Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

O, foolish vanity! O, reckless pride! That one so lofty as I could be brought so low! Upon sight of my present sorry state, you may rightly recoil from belief, but ‘tis true, ‘tis true: once was the day I danced the zarabanda in the most rarefied hipster clubs, crowned by a coiffure as carelessly exquisite as any in Park Slope!

In pursuit of a Platonic ideal of youthful urban with-itude, I had labored long and hard of a winter’s night, piling my tresses in a precise disarray, the way they’ll be wearing it on CW teen-dramas three years hence. Despite the night’s frigid winds, I was thus disinclined to conceal my ears with a double-muff that would disrupt and despoil all my tonsorial labors, choosing to forgo utility for beauty. What foolish mortals, we!

Not even the keenest clairvoyant in Jamaica could have foreseen the peculiar run of events. One club, closed by the taxman due to unpaid levies and insufficient licenses! Another club, comandeered by a firm of vodka-mongers for a photo shoot! And the third club, the one that was to have been our sanctuary, the one we only go to when we can’t get into one of the really cool clubs – the queue of patrons stretched round the block! By now, the outlying reaches of my ears had grown numb and pink. Still, I waited, and waited further. Only when two hours had elapsed did the brigand manning the door inform me that my custom was no longer welcome in this club. It seems some indiscretions in the restrooms on a previous visit had neither been forgotten nor forgiven.

Upon receiving these unhappy tidings, I begged the doorman to please have mercy and summon an ambulance, as I had no longer any feeling in my ears! The physicians were forced to abridge both appendages, producing the bizarre earless aspect I present today. The same acquaintances who once lauded my elegant hair now turn away in disgust and horror from the gnarled craters on either side of my head. What a fool I was! What a heedless fool!

It’s too late to save my frost-ruined ears, but I beseech you – don’t let my lesson go to waste. Cover your ears in the cold lest they be lost! And with the Gorgonz Behind the Head Ear Warmers, you need not sacrifice tonsorial dignity for protection from the chill winds of dread winter. Today’s sale will yield you a bounty of two pairs of warmers – on that fateful winter’s night, would that I had had but one. Now I can only employ them to conceal the horror that I have become!