Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

Tom: From Belmont Park Racecourse, welcome to the second lap of the 2008 Sierra Mist/Pennzoil Xtreme Race for the Presidency. Two weeks ago, the candidates completed the swimsuit portion of the competition, and are now ready to take questions from the American people. From millions of questions posted on the Internet, there were only maybe two good ones. So we brought in a bunch of undecided voters to ask the same questions that were asked in the last debate, since they all missed it. We’ll start with a question for you, Senator Mac, from Paris London of Rome, Texas.

Paris London, voter: My question is about the economy. Oh my God, what the hell are we going to do? What the hell, man? Somebody, for God’s sake, do something!

Senator Mac: My friend, a lot of Americans are angry, confused, and fearful right now. I should know. I’m one of them. People are hurting, and not just those people who deserve it. Why, just the other day, I paid $6.99 for the very same buffet I used to pay $6.49 for. And that was the early bird special. It’s clear that something, anything, needs to be done, no matter how feckless or ineffectual. So I am instructing my subordinates to suspend my campaign until the next question in this debate. It’s time to get serious, my friends.

Senator Bam: While they’ve been living the high life on Wall Street, all the lowlifes are living on Main Street. Things have been positively 4th Street, but a nightmare on Elm Street. We’ve seen 221 Baker Street turn into 21 Jump Street. But look: the thing we have to do is cut the strings on these golden parachutes. I pledge to you that within two years, I will eliminate not only golden parachutes, but every color of parachute besides the red, white, and blue.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: I’ll provide convenient, safe space heating at a reasonable price. Also, all money will be given away free. I mean, we’re the government, right? We can always print more.

Tom: And for our next question, over there in section F, Brad Nair of Bald Mountain, Wyoming.

Brad Nair, voter: Hoo hoo hoo! Section F rules! All right! Listen, Senator Bam, I do a lot of funnycar racing, I run the electric in my house off a gasoline generator, and I drive my SUV from my front door to the garage where I keep my bigger SUV. So the high price of gasoline is really hitting me in the wallet. What are you going to do for me so I don’t have to change my own behavior in any way?

Senator Bam: We’ve got to end our dependence on foreign oil. Every dollar we send to Alberta, Saskatchewan, and other foreign powers gets turned against us in international amateur hockey competition. But look, it’s not going to happen overnight. That’s why we have got to invest in alternative energy sources right now, because we’ve got to recognize that the sun is not going to be there forever. We need to grab that solar power while we can.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: The greatest energy resource in America is right under our noses: electricity. I mean, come on: it just comes out of holes in the wall! You don’t need to mine anything or burn anything or whatever. And when it runs out, you just go flip the circuit breaker back. As an electrical appliance myself, let me come out and say that I’m a very strong supporter of electricity. If that makes me unpopular, so be it.

Senator Mac: My friends, let me tell you what my friends – not you guys in the audience, my other friends up here on stage – have really done beyond their fancy rhetoric and correct pronunciations of foreign words. Senator Bam voted 38 – no, 125 – no, 497 times to raise the price of gasoline. Approximately every four seconds, Senator Bam votes to raise the price of gasoline. There, he just did it again. And DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater has a secret of his own: he’ll raise taxes on 119% of Americans by an average of 900%, and require each household to offer up two goats and three pecks of turnips. Don’t bother looking in his platform for this. It’s not in there. Fortunately, I overheard him talking about it in the men’s room.

Tom: The next question is to you, DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater, and it comes from Dale Glenn of Glendale, California.

Dale Glenn, voter: How can you the American people trust any of the candidates given the varying positions you’ve all adopted over the years?

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: Thank you for the question, Dale, and thanks for just being you. Dale, I’m proud of my ability to take multiple positions if the situation demands it, Dale. When the American people need a floor heater, I can be a floor heater. But Dale, in times of great crisis that can somehow be helped by me being a tower heater, well, I’m your man, too. Either way, Dale, I provide 1500 watts of radiant, room-filling heat. I don’t think any of the other candidates can say that, Dale.

Senator Mac: My friends, this one talks a good game. But when the time came to stand up for America, he voted for a budget festooned with goodies. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s goodies. In my day, when we wanted a treat, we soaked a piece of stale bread in castor oil and sprinkled nutmeg on it, with a glass of beet juice on the side. If that was good enough for me, it’s good enough for America. And when I’m in the White House, it will be.

Senator Bam: I’ve never wavered in my commitment to the American people to remain fully committed to the American people. That’s the kind of commitment I’m committed to. But look: we don’t need more of the same policies we’ve seen these last eight years. Reality is not a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, where you can go back and see what would have happened if you’d investigated the sound coming from the crash-landed UFO instead of following the mysterious light into the woods. It’s time for a president with the judgment to choose the right adventure the first time.

Tom: Here’s another question from section F, on the subject of healthcare. Let’s hear from Heather Gray of Pantone, Louisiana.

Heather Gray, voter: I am currently spending all of my income on health insurance for myself and my eight cats. Do you have anything really petty and irrelevant to say about lowering health care costs?

Senator Bam: You’re right, health insurance is too expensive. But look: what I would do is, put your health records online.

Senator Mac: I’ve heard of this “online”, my friends, and it sounds like a great place to store your most confidential, personal information.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: I have to agree. Put everybody’s health records on the Internet. To those who object on the grounds of possible breaches of security and privacy, I’ll just say this: ever heard of a little thing called a password?

Tom: I’d like to ask the viewers at home to please, if you’re playing a drinking game, to stop drinking when you hear “my friend” or “but look”, for your own sake and that of your loved ones. Now we’ll turn to foreign affairs. Our next question comes from the Internet, and has to do with Pakistan. Is al-Qaeda up in ur mountns plannin ur massacres, or do all their base belong to Pakistan?

Senator Mac: Pakistan is a real problem, my friends. But the deal is, we have to pretend we like them or we won’t get invited to Bangladesh’s skating party. When it comes to bin Laden, I will stop at nothing to capture him. But if Pakistan asks, you didn’t hear that from me, OK?

Senator Bam: The fact of the reality of the matter is, Osama bin Laden is still out there somewhere. He’s not in Iraq, and he’s not here tonight, so that’s two places we can cross off our list. But look: every breath he takes, every move he makes, every bond he breaks, every step he takes, we’ll be watching him.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: I say we stomp him, and then we tattoo him, and then we hang him, and then we kill him.

Tom: The next question will again come from section F, from a Mr. Pladimir Vutin of Moscow, Idaho.

Pladimir Vutin, voter: Thank you in the name of the motherland. Candidates, the mighty Russian empire was bringing light to the darkness of Central Asia when America was just a bunch of naked beaver-trappers with malaria. How dare you lecture one of the most advanced civilizations on Earth about how to conduct her internal affairs?

Senator Bam: The problem was, Putin went down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal. But look: he paid for it all with Granny’s caviar money. Russia’s laughing all the way to the bank, or wherever they keep their money in that messed-up country. So until we end our dependence on foreign caviar, Russia wins.

Senator Mac: Our friends in Georgia must know that they have friends in us, my friends. That is why I will always, always stand by those brave, brave Duke boys. They’re just good ol’ boys, never meaning no harm. And they’re fighting the system like a true modern-day Robin Hood.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: See, the reason the Russians are such jerks is simple: they’re cold. Send a couple hundred million of me over there and see if they don’t kinda let all that Georgia and Chechnya-type crap just kinda slide off their backs.

Tom: And our final question tonight also comes from the Internet, and it has something of a Zenlike quality: what do you not know that cannot be unknown, and when did you know it?

Senator Bam: I’m glad someone has finally asked that. But look: as I travel this nation seeking the votes of Americans, I’m constantly reminded that people need help. Right now, somebody out there has a flat tire. Somebody is trying to reach something on a high shelf, only to find that in America today, reaching high shelves is a right reserved only for the tall. Somebody else has just run out of brown sugar, and may be turning to a neighbor or a relative just to finish the recipe they started. I say, it’s government’s job to give these people a hand. This is the best of America at its worst. This is the highest point of our lowest moment. And it’s time for the beginning of the middle of the end. Thank you.

Senator Mac: Here’s what I know. My friends, our nation faces challenges the likes of which we’ve never seen. The recession. The fuel crisis. The gathering storm over Iran. And the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. But with a leader like President Reagan, I’m confident that our nation will see its way through the 1980’s in better shape than ever. And if you, the good people of Arizona see fit to elect me Senator, I pledge to always fight for your interests, against the special interests. Not that you’re not special in your own way. You know what I’m saying. Thank you.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: Wait, what? What do I know – no, what do I not know? And what, now? I think I missed part of the question.

Tom: Thank you to the candidates, and to the horses of Belmont Park. Good night.